I’m going to type some words because I feel like it sorry. It’s alright to scroll past.
But, I haven’t been able to sleep well for about a week now, I just lie here and panic inside. I don’t know what to do. Well I do know what I need to do but to scared to do it.
It’s been over half a year and I haven’t told anyone offline about cheesey. I know I want to spend my life with him, and I want to be with him right now, but I’m to scared to tell anyone. I knew as soon as we became a couple that I was going to hurt someone. Either him, or someone in my family, I don’t know who but it’s going to happen and it’s been building up. I’ve been stressed about it which is giving me insomnia and last night I had the first anxiety attack I’ve had in years. I’ve almost been tempted to just wake my parents up at night and tell them just to get it over with it’s getting really bad.
I know we won’t be able to take our relationship to the next level until I do this, I just don’t have the courage or self esteem or really just the ability to explain myself without tripping over my words and not being able to talk.
It’s even getting to the point where Ive been wishing these horrible situations would have happened to me, like if I had abusive parents or things like that. That way it would be easier just to get out and leave. But I don’t and I love it here and no one should even think things like that.
I don’t know how to explain that I love him, and that I can’t change who I am. It’s not even the Intimacy I care about I just want to be in the same room as him. Cuddling up with him under a blanket as the rain hits the window watching a money or playing a game or reading or anything. That’s all I want right now,
But I don’t know how to explain it.
I don’t know what to do and every day I put this off is another day of life without him and I’m scared I’m going to run out of time.
Sorry this probably didn’t even make since I just wanted to get it out hoping maybe it will help. I don’t know why anyone follows this blog anymore. It’s just daring do and everyone’s and a while a pointless vent like this while everyone se has real problems and I’m to scared to say a few words.